heyy you guys.
don't feel much like posting today. it's late.
it's like 2:56am. dammit. *sigh*
here's the thing. i feel awful. i barely know me. i do things i usually don't. i don't know exactly what they are, but i know i've done things i'm not supposed to. i feel wrong. just, it's all isn't right. you know? i mean, maybe some of you could get what i mean. but maybe, just maybe, most of you won't.
i don't feel so much of cheery, happy, full of enthusiasm, and all those, idk, what do i say? happy stuff? smiling me? the one that's always laughing, and smiling, and, i barely cry, people! i mean, i'm a girl for God's sake. a human, with eyes, that could actually produce tears. i think guys who let out their emotion, are very brave people. they do not live in fear. same goes for girls. it's like, most guys, they shut in. they don't really tell, nor share. they're all... secretive and stuff. you know.. like my brother for instance, he has a blog, which he barely updates, he tells me things. he's deepest secrets. but not his very best friend. ohkay, he might be dead, because i said that. but a man has every right to choose who he wants to tell things to, who he wants to be friends with, who he wants to date, who he admires, who he crushes, who he.... ohkay! you should get the point by now. i admire guys who actually dares to cry, especially infront of another guy. or girl, for that matter. it's not wrong to cry when you feel down, is it? or, like when you're feeling totally lost. like you don't know yourself. you barely know you. you wish you have people to talk to. but all you are is actually, scared. confused, upset, annoyed with... life. i know what my problem is. but i keep it in. i just don't say it. i don't, i don't tell. i don't even know who to tell! i mean, i know my mom's all understanding and stuff, and my brother, he's cool about things, he knows almost everything about me. almost everything. but at this state, or point, of life, you should be expecting a girl like me to be crying. but i've not shed a single bloody fucking tear! maybe it's an emotional breakdown. just maybe. but i think not.
i'm not a kind of girl who's easily affected by emotions or feelings. sometimes i think i barely have one. except when i see a really cute guy, then yeah, i do have feelings. wohkaaaay, let's get back.
i mean, did you even realise how many "i mean(s)" you've read in this post? i honestly have no idea on what's happening. but i sure really want to! pfft. greater than life. i have always believed in my grandfather's life motto,

"whatever you wanna do, do it. but at the end of what you've done, never, i really mean never, regret the results."

although it's not exactly what he always say but, it's something like that. this told me to really make my decisions as if, idk. it just made me realise that whatever i do now, in the present, will affect my future. so everytime i think about a decision that i'm about to make, from the biggest to the smallest, whatever hell the decision is about, i gotta make it right. even if it's just a practise, even if it's only for show. sometimes, the tiniest mistake in life could affect the person you love most. take it from someone who knows.
i try not to regret things i did, what i've done, and most of all, the future, what i'm going to do. i'm not sure if what i did really hurt that one very person i cared most in my life, but it seems that i really did stab right thru his very heart. i just could feel the distance between us now. i never thot it'd be something like this. i never, ever, not even once, ever, thot of a future this way. my future. which is now my present. it never came across my mind. it just never did. i wish i could change things, maybe even turn back time. it's crazy talk, and definitely impossible. and i try, i try my very best, to not regret. but the thing is, sometimes i don't even have a clue about what i did. i just don't realise it. that's the devil. but if only that one very person, truly knows. it's all difficult and very complicated. i sometimes wish i never had a heart, so i wouldn't feel all this silly pain, and heartache for that matter, (that could actually have been avoided, in the first place). maybe if my heart stops beating, it won't hurt this much.
this is sooo crazy. and not to mention, how many "maybe(s)" i've used. and also all the "very(s)" you could imagine. it just isn't me. at least not the me that i know. *sigh* i've been at this for hours. hey look, it's already 3:57am. how much longer can i stay at this? honestly, i could really write one of those thick books about my life. and maybe remind myself not to forget, listing all the steps of how i managed to ruined it so perfectly that i ended up writing this shit and posting it to a blog! which basically not many people read. which is good. i mean, most people hate long post. so yeah, i'm getting there. *sigh* i just miss the old me.
i know i'm the kind who hardly cries. i'm a strong girl. sometimes i just let go, because i'm tired of fighting, and i'm tired of holding on. as i mature, i understand things better. in life, you have to give and take, grow up, forget the past, but the future always has to bring the past up. well, you can't really blame future because without past, there ain't no future. and without future, there ain't gonna be a past. that is cause when future, future comes, your now future (present, basically) is your past. anyway, i did tear while typing this half way. *sigh* i thot my body has officially stopped my eyes from producing tears. heh. LOL. i guess this is all i have for now, at this hour. i better turn in. sweet dreams, earth. (:


..... i guess the smile never fades. (:


& the rumors flew, but nobody knew how much she blamed herself.